Goodbye Summer!

Wow, who can believe that it is already August?  I've just watched this summer fly by and am wishing that I had taken more time to sit back and relax through parts of it.  I will be taking Katy back to school shopping this weekend.  I think she is more excited than I am.  Some of you may recall the whole boot shopping experience that I wrote about before.  Yikes!  Really hoping this one has a much better outcome.  We are also going to be adding a little critter to our family chaos.  Katy fell in love with a gerbil when we were up in Idaho in July and has been begging for one ever since.  Thank you Grandma!  :)  Anyway, she has been working hard at her chores and keeping a spot cleared off for her new little pet.  She can't keep anything else cleared off or cleaned up (did not get that from me-seriously) so she had to work at keeping the spot cleared off her shelf to prove that the poor little animal wouldn't be buried on the shelf.  I did not realize how expensive those little monsters are.  Wowza!  Makes me appreciate all the money my parents spent on my hamsters growing up.  Anyway, so it should be a fun and adventurous weekend.  Yeah, that's what I'm going to call it.  I will let you know if anything interesting happens, that or I'll just vent a little.

Well, because Katy is heading back to school we have had to restructure our office and my working hours.  We hired a part-time employee to work the afternoons and I will be switching to mornings.  I have to say I'm very excited about the prospect.  The idea of being home by one is great!  It's been a hard couple of weeks worth of training but I'm very happy with the young lady we hired.  She's 21 so she has injected a little bit of that young energy into the office that we've been lacking.  She loves baseball so her and Derek will just sit and talk baseball.  Hopefully they'll get some work done in there as well.  ;)  Anyway, because of me switching my hours I get to put the kids back in sports because I'll be home to take them to practices.  Christian is going to be starting fall soccer towards the end of August.  So cute!!!  I can just see him running around on his little legs.  Katy really wants to try gymnastics so we're working on getting her set up in a class.  Yes I get to be the bus driver again, but it'll  be fun. 

So I'm sure some of you are wondering where we're at on the whole adoption process.  Well, we are officially on the waiting list.  Phew, sigh of relief.  I did not think we were ever going to get to this point.  At this point there's not much to do but wait.  There's a grant I need to finish applying for, but for the most part that's all done too.  I have to say that I have mixed emotions at this point.  The most prominent being one of immense relief to be done with paperwork for now.  Now life can kind of go on like usual without all the adoption stress.  I also feel a sense of anxiety or hopelessness that it's never really going to happen.  I'm really trying to trust God and his timing.  If I had my way this would've all been wrapped up a long time ago.  But my timing is not his and I should know by now it never has been.  It's fun to look around for baby stuff and imagine how it will be.  I'm trying to appreciate my nights of rest now before the baby gets here and we're sleep deprived again.  It's crazy because it almost seems like adoption isn't part of our lives right now because everything is done and we don't know when that will change so you just move on.  In the back of your mind you know that could change in a second, but how do you plan for it?  You can't, unless you get picked by a mom who has some time left in her pregnancy.  So, you're just left feeling at odds with yourself because you don't know what you should be doing.  It's been interesting to say the least. 

I know this is short, but I at least wanted to get an update in here.  Here's to a great weekend full of shopping and a new critter!  I pray God's blessings on you all and I pray patience for myself!

Back at it

So, it's been awhile since my last post.  What can I say, life happens sometimes.  Things have been kind of crazy for the last little while but I have found myself with so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head that I felt the need to express them. We are still plugging along the journey with our adoption.  We have finally finished our homestudy and will hopefully be moving onto the next part here in the next couple of weeks.  So what does that entail?  Well, I don't really know exactly.  We're treading into unfamiliar territory at this point.  I do know that once we sign some more paperwork(really it's almost worse than buying a house!) our agency in Florida will start showing birth moms our family scrapbook I put together.  Then it's just a matter of a birth mom choosing us who meets our criteria.  It's very interesting because Derek and I will have to answer a bunch of questions regarding what type of baby we will accept, health issues we're willing to accept, and so on.  It's very disconcerting to think of "picking" a baby.  That is how it works though.  I do like that we get to choose depending on whether a mom was drinking while pregnant, taking drugs, etc.  It's all just safety nets they've built into the process.  Needless to say, it's interesting.

All of that is well and good but there's so much more emotionally that goes into it.  Every family I've talked to (okay so it's mostly the moms) that has adopted talks about the waiting and how it almost becomes unbearable.  I figured that you just accepted that  you would have to await for quite awhile and filled your time up with other stuff.  The problem is you're praying for your new little one, that they're safe and being taken care of and you start to develop this love for a child you don't even know yet and you just get anxious to have them.  When you're pregnant you can feel your little one inside you and they're with you.  Right now I just feel empty because I don't have that connection with my new baby.  The emotions raging inside are excitement, love, fear, anxiousness, restlessness, doubt, hopelessness.  It's so crazy!!!  So many times I sit and wonder if we made the right decision.  The financial aspect of it is enough to make almost everyone think twice about it.  So far God has been very good and everything we need to this point has been taken care of.  That has all come from fundraising, personal savings, and the generosity of family. Fortunately we are to the point where we can start applying for grants to help fund the rest.  That means even more paperwork, but hey by this point that's just routine! 

I think one of the biggest things I struggle with right now is our decision to adopt an African-American child.  We've made that decision because they are the ones that are the last to get adopted.  For whatever reason and there are a lot of them they are the least desired.  This just broke my heart!  Derek and I knew that we wanted to adopt a black child, to let them grow up in a home knowing they were loved, special, and a beautiful child of God.  So, I'm sure many of you wonder why I'm struggling with that decision now.  I think the biggest fear I have with that choice is that my child will grow up feeling like the odd man out in our family and maybe grow up to resent that he or she didn't grow up in a black family.  Add that to the fact that one day I will have to watch my child possibly go in search of their "real" mom and it is somewhat heartbreaking.  The other reason I struggle with the decision is that I know that racism still exists and I wonder what that will mean for my other two children.  Am I placing them in a situation where they are going to be looked down on or put in a bad situation. Ultimately I hope that it will make them stronger individuals who are willing to stand up against racism and be a changing force in that area.  I also worry that we will no longer be a family that can blend in.  For those of you who know me well you know that I am not a person who likes to be in the limelight.  Well nothing screams look at me like a family with two blond kids and one black baby and two very white parents.  Then there's the big concern, will I love them as much as I love my biological children?  My heart says most definitely yes!  I know that I will probably love them differently but that's not so strange.  I love my two biological children differently.  Christian is my boy, he loves his mommy and we just bond.  KaitLynn and I butt heads constantly.  I sometimes fear that she thinks I love Christian more because I get along better with him.  Of course that's nonsense.  I would trade my life for either of them.  I imagine that will be how my love is for my next child.  It won't be any less, it will just be different, unique and special to us.  Will any of that sway my decision to adopt my child.  No, I'm already in love with my child and know that because we're a strong family we can overcome anything.  There's just so many things that go through your head as you're waiting.  I know that none of that will even matter once my baby is placed in my arms.  In the mean time I am going to prepare as much as possible for when our little one arrives and enjoy the time I have left before we start the diaper routine again!  We had forgotten how much work babies are and it's a little bit daunting to think about after having two independent children. 

Well thank you for allowing me to bend your ear and express some of the fears and concerns that have been rolling around in my head.  I will try to be better about updating my blog.  Now that we're back to just waiting and things have settled somewhat in other aspects of my life (another story for another day) I hope to be able to write more often.  As I go through this time my prayer every morning is that I will not have a heart of fear and anxiousness, but one of peace and joy.  God's peace be with you all!

What a Mighty God!

We just had some of the most fantastic news today!  We have been trying for two years to get a business loan to consolidate all of our business debt.  When we first opened up our business banks were not (and are still not) loaning on startup businesses.  So, we took what we could get in a line of credit and then financed our business on a personal credit card.  We have tried so many times to get the business debt off of our personal credit card, but to no avail.  Banks just haven't been loaning money.  We knew that we needed to get the debt off of our personal side so we could get the adoption to go through and so we can get financed for a mortage to move to Loveland.  So, we decided to try one last time.  Derek went into our bank today and told them what we were looking for and the lady he talked to told him that we had already been preapproved.  She said she was going to call us or drop by our office to make us an offer.  I am still so astounded!  I just sat down and bawled this afternoon because God is so good.  We've struggled for two years wondering why we couldn't get it taken care of.  Apparently we just needed to wait on God's timing.  I am so relieved!  Another cool aspect is that it's going to cut our monthly payment by almost half.  What can I say, I am just in awe of what God did for us today.  For those of you who haven't ever tried to get a business loan, it is a huge process!  There's so much paperwork that has to be filled out, so for Derek to be able to just walk in and them basically hand him a loan is amazing!  What a mighty Gody we serve!!

We are going to be doing our training for the adoption this weekend!  Yay, so excited to be finally doing something versus just filling out papers.  Our accountant is supposed to have our taxes done this week and providing everything is good we get to start on our homestudy!  Fortunately we have the funds set aside for that step.  Our fundraisers are starting to come together.  I'm hoping to get enough out of them to be able to pay for the next step after the homestudy.  During the homestudy I will be filling out a ton of paperwork for grants to hopefully cover the remaining costs.  Thank you to everyone who has donated items to our garage sale and silent auction.  They are both coming along nicely.  I'll keep you updated on dates, but we hope to kick off the silent auction here in the very near future.  I hope everyone has a blessed day!  I pray God's richest blessings upon you all!

Time for a Change

It's always amazing to me how God works in our lives and how often what we think is his will ends up going in a completely different direction.  Derek and I had felt like God was calling us to move.  We assumed that meant that it was time to pick up and move out of state.  We were excited at the prospect of possibly getting to move close to family.  We began to pray in earnest that he would show us where to go.  As we began praying we realized that maybe where we wanted to go wasn't what God wanted.  We have felt isolated and alone here in Colorado for much of the time we've been here.  Despite attending our old church for four years, being involved in Bible studies and activities, we hadn't made any real friends. We began attending a new church back in October and immediately felt at home there.  It was so wonderful to walk into church and be greeted by an atmosphere of friendliness and authenticity.  We are now attending Christ Community and love how God is challenging us and helping us grow there.  Our church is very passionate about staying true to the Bible as well as growing in the Holy Spirit.  They long for everyone to have that close relationship with God.  I hadn't really realized how much my relationship with Christ has been lacking.  I often grew bored with the everyday prayer.  I didn't really realize what I was missing.  It has been so neat to realize that prayer life doesn't have to be boring and routine.  It's about relationship and listening.  I can't really explain it but it has made a profound difference in my life.  Anyway, so we've been praying for God's guidance for us.  Well, we believe we've received our answer, it just wasn't what we were expecting.  Derek and I both feel that God wants us to move to Loveland.  That is where our practice is and we both feel that God isn't done with us in this place yet.  We both feel that our practice will do better if we're involved in the community where our practice is.  It leaves us wondering about our church life though.  We both feel that we need to be involved in our community over there.  To find a church there, get Katy in better schools, etc.  My heart breaks though because of the wonderful church we've finally found here in Greeley.   I'm left hoping though.  Our church is about growing and planting churches.  Maybe its time for them to plant one in Loveland!  We still don't have all the answers and there is a lot left to do.  It's a lot to take in all at one time along with the adoption plans.  I have to admit though that the thought of not having a long commute everyday to work is very exciting! 

Update

Whew!  Where to start?  I'm ready for life to slow down a little bit.  Unfortunately, the older I get the faster it speeds up.  I wanted to take a minute to update you on several things I've been writing about.  First off-I survived my cleanse!!!! Yes!  I had great results with it.  I definitely felt like it did a great job of cleaning out my body.  After about three days the headaches went away and I haven't had one since.  I lost about 8 lbs. in two weeks.  So, I am now only about 9 lbs. away from my goal weight.  I feel really great right now so I'm happy whatever happens from this point.  Unless of course I gain the weight back :(.  I am still focused on eating healthy and of course exercising.  I'm an exercise guru! 

I am progressing on getting through all the paperwork for the adoption.  I just about had everything filled out and then I got in touch with the agency we're hopefully going to go through in Florida and got a bunch more paperwork for their application process.  I've been told that you don't go through morning sickness with adoption, you just go through hand cramps and paper cuts.  Our church has an adoption support group that meets once every month.  Derek and I attended one last weekend.  It was so wonderful to meet with other parents that have been through the process or are going through it right now as well.  I love that our church is so supportive of adoption and the families involved.  We have  started on some fund raising ideas.  They've been in the works, but we're getting some definite plans put together.  Our two big fundraisers will be a garage sale and a silent auction.  We are getting a lot of people who are donating to these which is such a blessing.  So to all of you helping, a very big heartfelt thank you!  We're waiting until the weather warms up to do the garage sale.   Hopefully we will be able to do the silent auction here shortly.  Other ideas we're tossing around are a t-shirt sale and coffee sale. There are a lot of great companies out there that donate a certain portion of their sales to couples adopting.  The t-shirt fundraiser we're looking at works in conjunction with Steven Curtis Chapman's adoption foundation.  They set you up a website where you can sell certain t-shirts and a portion of the profits go to you.  So, we're looking into that one as well as one that is basically the same idea, but it is coffee.  Now I'm not a coffee lover at all, but this company is supposed to have really good coffee.  All natural, healthy, etc.  That's all I know.  Like I said, I'm not a coffee fan, so I'm taking other people's word for it. :)  Both Derek and I are getting more excited the farther we get.  We're getting a glimpse of how God will provide the funds for it. 

We're in a Bible study right now that deals with people's fears.  It has been such a great thing for both of us.  I know that everyone struggles with fears and doubts.  It's hard to live in a fallen world and not have them.  Derek and I have been so fearful over the last three years of owning our own practice; constantly wondering where the money to pay the bills was going to come from, etc.  God has always provided and we are so thankful for that.  The business has grown and is doing much better.  Instead of looking back and realizing how blessed we are, it's all too easy to get caught up in the present and be consumed by fear for what we're currently going through.  Derek and I are working really hard at turning that fear over to God and trusting him.  Obviously our biggest fear right now is the funds for the adoption.  As I said though, we are realizing how this will become a possibility and it's very exciting!  I think we need to remember too that when we step out in faith to do what God has called us to do, we just have to trust.  We can give our fear and worry back to God because it's not our concern.  Our job is to do what he's told us to do.  I like how our Bible study teacher put it.  He said, "If God is in the ship, it's not going to sink."

What have you done with my daughter?

It seems like the word of advice you always hear about your children is that they're going through a stage.  Don't worry it's just the stage they're in.  After awhile you just start to think that they must always be in a stage because that's all you hear.  I understand what people are trying to say.  I've even said it, but I would really like my children to hit the stage where they are perfect, do what they're told, eat what you make them, and tell you how wonderful you are!  What!!!! That stage doesn't exist?!!  Well, one can always hope I guess.

My tirade comes from an episode I had with my daughter this last Saturday.  We haven't been getting along the greatest lately.  We have a big conflict in personalities.  No, it's not what you're thinking.  We don't have similar personalities.  She takes after my husband who has that leader personality with a quick temper.  My daughter and I only share a strong sense of stubborness.  Now, I understand that she perceives the world differently than I do and she's getting to the age where she wants a certain amount of independence.  Her idea of that is drastically different from mine and what is appropriate for a 5 year old!  Anyway, so as I said we've been knocking heads a lot.  I wanted to take her on Saturday and have a girl's day to do something fun; maybe bust through our block right now.  You see our temperments are different but our love languages are exactly the same.  We love to do things for people and we love gifts.  So, I planned to take her and get her hair cut, Then take her to buy a cute pair of boots that she could wear to school that would keep her feet and legs warm, but were not a clunky pair of snow boots.  Katy was completely on board with girl's day.  She was so excited!

Phase one on Saturday:  Get hair cut!
This went spledidly.  The lady who cut her hair was so nice.  She shampooed her hair, cut and styled it.  Then she got a sucker (probably Katy's favorite part).  Katy was grinning from ear to ear when we left.  Off to a successful day!

Phase two:  Find a pair of boots!
Well, this stage started having problems from the get go.  First store, all out of boots.  Next stop Payless.  We found some boots.  Thought things were looking up.  Katy wasn't in love with the boots. So, I decide to take her down and try Target.  Along the way we passed Footlocker and I got the brilliant idea to stop in there.  Number one problem, way too expensive of shoes for kids!!!  They had some great boots but not at a price I would pay.  Katy did find a pair of boots she fell in love with there.  They were overpriced and had a huge heel on them!  We had apparently come looking for different kinds of boots.  I tried reasoning with her.  She needed a comfortable pair she could run around and play in, they needed to be warm...  All reasoning was rejected.  I was finally able to convince her that we could look at another store.  Target had no boots in her size.  Frustration and aggrevation are really starting to kick in at this point.  In my opinon  there was only one thing to do.  Go back to Payless and get the pair I thought would work.  I remember when she was little and I could just pick out her clothes and shoes.  Does that work now.  Oh no!  She lets me take her back to Payless but we can't agree on a pair of boots.  She wants flashy and not functional.  I want cute but sensible.  Well, we ended up walking out without any boots.  I know she was disappointed, I was too.  The day had not gone as planned.  When she found out we were going to go home without any boots it got ugly quick.  We were crossing the crosswalk to our car and she just started screaming and kicking.  I had to pick her up and drag her kicking and screaming to the car.  I was absolutely horrified!!!  My kids have never thrown tantrums!  All I could think is, "who is this child and what did she do with my daughter?"  The tantrum continued all the way home.  All I could think was get home before I did something I would regret.  Fortunately daddy was home and was able to deal with her.  Let's just say she has been on much better behavior ever since thankfully.

 

I really wish that children came with a manual.  I think every parent should be warned before having children that insanity is 99.9% guaranteed after having children.  The thing I hang onto is that with every stage my children go through there are things I hate, but there are things that I just love and adore.  Just when I get sad about my kids passing a stage I loved, they do something new and wonderful that just leaves me amazed.  As our children get older not only are they learning about themselves and who they are, but we as parents are learning the same thing about ourselves.  I think it's such a great picture of what we do with God.  It amazes me how God in his inifinite wisdom has given us different kinds of relationships to help us learn about our relationship with him.  God is our parent that we are constantly pushing and challenging.  Yes, we even throw temper tantrums sometimes.  Fortunately, God is a much better parent than we will ever be.  He meets us with love and forgiveness and nudges us back on the right path.  That's not to say that we don't have to deal with the consequences of our actions, but God gets us back on the right path.  As I deal with my daughter and this difficult phase of life right now with her, I am going to try and react as God would.  To love her and guide her.  To be a good example of Christ and His love.  Thankfully, she's really cute!

Hang on for the ride!

Derek and I went in for our adoption interview yesterday.  I'm not sure why it's called an interview.  There wasn't much question and answer going on.  It was more of you need to fill this out and this and this and this and this and this......  I think you get my point.  Needless to say I'm scheduling this whole weekend for filling out paperwork.  The things that they think of are insane!!! They definitely cover all their bases that's for sure.  I think some of the more interesting and definitely surprising to me were having to have all the vaccination records for our pets turned in and the letter from Katy's teacher that states that she's doing well in school and can handle going through the adoption.  Now, don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound like they weren't friendly and informative because our case worker Tammie is incredibly nice.  It was just incredibly overwhelming the amount of stuff that got thrown at us in an hour's time.  I think even more daunting was the money involved.  Adoption agencies are pretty good about listing out all the major fees.  It's all the little costs that you find out about as you go along.  So many of the forms I'm filling out this weekend have fees attached to them.  It probably adds close to another $1,000 onto the total.  It was actually kind of funny watching Derek's face during the interview.  His eyes just got bigger and bigger!  I was afraid that he was going to have a stroke there for a little bit. 

I think the thing that makes it the most overwhelming is knowing that this is just the beginning.  These are just the forms necessary for starting the homestudy.  I actually have a hard time describing the anxiety and pressure I felt yesterday.  I just walked out and in my mind I was talking to God (okay maybe talking isn't the right word) and wondering if we were doing the right thing.  I mean this isn't going to be easy.  It's impossible to look at the whole process and not freak out.  It's really just completely overwhelming.  This morning I just spent time listening to my favorite Christian songs and opened my heart to God.  I really, really want to adopt a child and I have no idea how that is going to happen.  If we had to have all the money and everything done today it just wouldn't happen.  However, I know that I serve a loving, powerful God.  I think sometimes God gives us a desire to do something impossible just so that He can show up and do something amazing.  I have seen Him perform miracles.  I have a beautiful, healthy niece that was a medical impossibility.  She is my sister's miracle. 

So, I am going to jump on board with this.  I'm going to take it one form at a time and watch God do amazing things in this process.  I think the pastor at our church said it best when he was talking about us blessings others.  He said that it's kind of like having a shovel and shoveling out blessings onto others.  Whether that's time, money, etc.  Fortunately for us, God shovels them right back, He just has a much bigger shovel!