Back at it

So, it's been awhile since my last post.  What can I say, life happens sometimes.  Things have been kind of crazy for the last little while but I have found myself with so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head that I felt the need to express them. We are still plugging along the journey with our adoption.  We have finally finished our homestudy and will hopefully be moving onto the next part here in the next couple of weeks.  So what does that entail?  Well, I don't really know exactly.  We're treading into unfamiliar territory at this point.  I do know that once we sign some more paperwork(really it's almost worse than buying a house!) our agency in Florida will start showing birth moms our family scrapbook I put together.  Then it's just a matter of a birth mom choosing us who meets our criteria.  It's very interesting because Derek and I will have to answer a bunch of questions regarding what type of baby we will accept, health issues we're willing to accept, and so on.  It's very disconcerting to think of "picking" a baby.  That is how it works though.  I do like that we get to choose depending on whether a mom was drinking while pregnant, taking drugs, etc.  It's all just safety nets they've built into the process.  Needless to say, it's interesting.

All of that is well and good but there's so much more emotionally that goes into it.  Every family I've talked to (okay so it's mostly the moms) that has adopted talks about the waiting and how it almost becomes unbearable.  I figured that you just accepted that  you would have to await for quite awhile and filled your time up with other stuff.  The problem is you're praying for your new little one, that they're safe and being taken care of and you start to develop this love for a child you don't even know yet and you just get anxious to have them.  When you're pregnant you can feel your little one inside you and they're with you.  Right now I just feel empty because I don't have that connection with my new baby.  The emotions raging inside are excitement, love, fear, anxiousness, restlessness, doubt, hopelessness.  It's so crazy!!!  So many times I sit and wonder if we made the right decision.  The financial aspect of it is enough to make almost everyone think twice about it.  So far God has been very good and everything we need to this point has been taken care of.  That has all come from fundraising, personal savings, and the generosity of family. Fortunately we are to the point where we can start applying for grants to help fund the rest.  That means even more paperwork, but hey by this point that's just routine! 

I think one of the biggest things I struggle with right now is our decision to adopt an African-American child.  We've made that decision because they are the ones that are the last to get adopted.  For whatever reason and there are a lot of them they are the least desired.  This just broke my heart!  Derek and I knew that we wanted to adopt a black child, to let them grow up in a home knowing they were loved, special, and a beautiful child of God.  So, I'm sure many of you wonder why I'm struggling with that decision now.  I think the biggest fear I have with that choice is that my child will grow up feeling like the odd man out in our family and maybe grow up to resent that he or she didn't grow up in a black family.  Add that to the fact that one day I will have to watch my child possibly go in search of their "real" mom and it is somewhat heartbreaking.  The other reason I struggle with the decision is that I know that racism still exists and I wonder what that will mean for my other two children.  Am I placing them in a situation where they are going to be looked down on or put in a bad situation. Ultimately I hope that it will make them stronger individuals who are willing to stand up against racism and be a changing force in that area.  I also worry that we will no longer be a family that can blend in.  For those of you who know me well you know that I am not a person who likes to be in the limelight.  Well nothing screams look at me like a family with two blond kids and one black baby and two very white parents.  Then there's the big concern, will I love them as much as I love my biological children?  My heart says most definitely yes!  I know that I will probably love them differently but that's not so strange.  I love my two biological children differently.  Christian is my boy, he loves his mommy and we just bond.  KaitLynn and I butt heads constantly.  I sometimes fear that she thinks I love Christian more because I get along better with him.  Of course that's nonsense.  I would trade my life for either of them.  I imagine that will be how my love is for my next child.  It won't be any less, it will just be different, unique and special to us.  Will any of that sway my decision to adopt my child.  No, I'm already in love with my child and know that because we're a strong family we can overcome anything.  There's just so many things that go through your head as you're waiting.  I know that none of that will even matter once my baby is placed in my arms.  In the mean time I am going to prepare as much as possible for when our little one arrives and enjoy the time I have left before we start the diaper routine again!  We had forgotten how much work babies are and it's a little bit daunting to think about after having two independent children. 

Well thank you for allowing me to bend your ear and express some of the fears and concerns that have been rolling around in my head.  I will try to be better about updating my blog.  Now that we're back to just waiting and things have settled somewhat in other aspects of my life (another story for another day) I hope to be able to write more often.  As I go through this time my prayer every morning is that I will not have a heart of fear and anxiousness, but one of peace and joy.  God's peace be with you all!